I sometimes find myself sitting in Lakelyn's room...still in shock of how truly blessed Rich and I are. Before she was ours, I remember scrolling through board after board of nurseries on Pinterest, imagining all of the different types of bedding we would have–ruffle for a girl and maybe some fun patterns for a boy.

Before it became Lakelyn's room, it was a simple guest room. But if you looked through my eyes, you would see the box in the corner filled to the brim with random baby things I had collected over the years. I made a point to purchase a kids' book every time we traveled the world with Reebok. I would also keep my nieces' hand-me-downs in hopes of one day having a baby girl to wear them. And after three years of adding to the box, it was full. Full of boys and girls clothes, bows, books, and  the cutest little hats. It might sound like such a sweet and simple thing to do...but behind that, my heart ached with hope for the day that these things might actually be put to use. I'll never forget all the times my tears would stream down my face every time I added to that box. Or all of the times I would pray for the day I would become a mom...and that it would be sooner rather than later.

After yet another failed IUI, I came home and beelined to the guest bedroom, pulled out the box and got rid of everything I'd been collecting except for the books. It was just too hard to look at. Just knowing the box was waiting for me acting as the failed hope of becoming a mother was too hard to bear. I couldn't handle it anymore, the pain was just too great. And looking back, I completely regret getting rid of all of those precious things.
   
Fast forward to one month before Lakelyn graced our lives. I still can't believe we had just one month to prepare for her! ONE MONTH! When we found out we would be adopting a girl, I so badly wanted to start shopping. But I couldn't. I knew from the bottom of my heart that I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened...taking back with sorrow what I bought with joy. So Lakelyn's room remained a guest room and instead of buying hair bows and decorations, we bought the necessities–diapers, wipes, and a few sleepers. The bare minimum. Our families thought we were crazy bringing home a baby with absolutely nothing. Our friends were more than helpful in all of this. One of my close friends was a mom of two at the time, one being a little girl. She had thankfully kept all of the clothes her little girl grew out of and let me come over and take anything I wanted. Truth be told, I don't know what I would have done without her or some of my other close friends. I left her house that night with bags of clothes, sleepers, bibs, burb clothes, a swing, and a bassinet. And if that's not amazing enough, a week before Lakelyn was born, my sister, mom, and cousin threw me a surprise shower...giving Lakelyn her first gifts–clothes. I cried with every gift I opened. I distinctly remember opening a tiny bathing suit complete with a sunhat and a coming home outfit for the hospital. And me and Rich's neighbor (more like our second mom) brought over a diaper bag. It was a pink Petunia Pickle Bottom. I couldn't believe she bought me such a nice gift. It wasn't just that it was a great diaper bag...it was that it meant I was one step closer to actually being a mom.

Knowing what I know now...it's very difficult to just "wing it" with a newborn. Turns out, you do need things! My sister and close friends and family threw me the most beautiful baby shower I'd ever been to...we called it a "sip and see" shower since Miss Lakelyn would be there for almost everyone to finally meet. I am still so thankful and surprised at just how many people came and all of the love they had for Lakelyn. God definitely filled my heart to the brim that day...I felt so blessed that day. It will not soon be forgotten.

The guest room became Lakelyn's room when she was three months old. And now that she's three and a half, I still sit in her room with tears in my eyes thinking of how blessed Rich and I are to be her parents. I think about how long I dreamt of her. I think about how I always felt in my heart that I would be a little girl's mama (maybe it was a strong hope); but I never thought my baby girl would have blond hair and blue eyes! She is more beautiful than I ever imagined. Her room is a testament to the beautiful God-story that came to fruition in Lakelyn. Her room has a story, filled with books with personal notes in them from that "sip and see". They are so special–I love reading them to her every time we do our bedtime stories.

My prayer now is that she always knows how loved she is, how big of a blessing she is, and how much joy she has brought to our hearts. Lakelyn is our greatest gift!

Where did the time go

Hi everyone! 

Wow. Is this blog rusty! I have made this my new years goal. To not be afraid anymore and start blogging again. So, here I am, once again. Except now, just in case you don't follow me on Instagram I am now a mom of two! Yay God!! To say I have lots to talk about and catching up to do is an understatement and I'm excited to share it with all of you. My goal is one post a week and going to give myself a lot of grace here. I pray this blog finds all kinds of people since I'm not 100% sure  on what I'm doing here, haha! Like I've said before, no english major here so if it stresses you out.. move on! I read lots of blogs and love following total strangers journeys. It has helped me the last few years with many obstacles.  I pray somewhere among these pages you find a good laugh, comfort and hope along your fertility journey, mom life, wife life or lets me honest life.  Can't wait to get started again with all of you and share all our funny lakelyn stories and how great of a big sister she is, our way to Trice (God is so amazing) and everything in between! 

-Hillary

I'm back!

Well…Ater lots of prayer I have decided to come back to my blog. The simple fact is I panicked after reading the review email of how many people viewed my blog daily. After talking to a sweet friend today I realized that even if one person finds comfort in this blog..it's worth it. I have lots to catch you all up on since my previous blog.  We've had a first birthday, vacations, Another CrossFit Games and lots of "firsts." Time is going way to fast and I would do anything to slow it down. Thank you for sticking with me and my blog! I ask you to please prayer for guidance for this blog for courage to not only write how I feel but to not be afraid of what others will say or think.  I can't wait to catch you up on this crazy life :)

p.s
Is she not perfect!!!

"You're so lucky"

While talking to some of my adoption mama friends, I am amazed at some of the comments that are made. I thought it was just a few random comments made to me about adoption. Truth is, it sounds like every adoptive parent gets the same or similar comments. I try to brush it off with the thought of,"they just don't know much about adoption," or "they didn't mean anything by it."
Just a couple months after we had started the adoption process. Rich and I told only a few family members and close friends. Although I was extremely excited about our decision to adopt, I was still working through a lot of pain from our infertility. I remember comments like, "As soon as you adopt you will get pregnant it happens all the time" or "Don't you want your own?" That comment always makes me feel outraged and want to bust out in tears. I'll never forget being at a baby shower (which was already very hard for me to do) and talking to someone about how God had a different plan for us and we were working on adopting. I will never forget her looking at me and saying ,"you're so lucky, you won't have to get fat" and walked away laughing.

She had recently given birth & stood there holding her adorable, tiny, & perfect baby as the words came out of her mouth. I remember the pain, anger & shock that ran through my body as she said those words to me. I remember the tears on the drive home. I remember the way my heart hurt that night as I cried into my pillow, “I’m not lucky, I am cursed.” I remember how that comment shook me to my core & brought me back to a place of vulnerability before the Lord. Through that experience, God continued to challenge my faith, meet my needs & bring healing to my heart.

Last night, when I rocked Lakelyn Ann to sleep, the words “lucky me” echoed through my mind & heart. My eyes filled with tears as I held my adorable, incredibly perfect daughter & thanked God for His plan for our family. It’s amazing how He took the most painful news of my life, & brought from it the most beautiful blessing of my life… Lucky me.

I read this and it spoke my heart, I have to share how lucky I am.

Lucky me… He had a better plan that I could ever have imagined.

Lucky me… Our infertility led us to consider adoption earlier than we would have ever dreamed

Lucky me… He challenged me to step out in faith as He called us to adopt & then met us EVERY step of the way.

Lucky me… He didn’t leave me alone in my pain, but through it, He taught me much about His character & love. 

Lucky me... I’ve learned what it means to trust Him on a deeper level.

Lucky me… I have seen the Lord work miracles, answer prayers & move mountains for our family.

Lucky me… My view of “what makes a family” has been radically changed, that my heart for life has been deepened, & my passion for adoption has been awakened.

Lucky me… As a result of all Rich & I have been through almost 4 years, our marriage is stronger, our friendship deeper & our gratitude for our daughter greater than it would have been if growing our family had been as easy as we’d planned for it to be.

Lucky me… Through our infertility & adoption journey, the Lord has changed me & refined me.

Lucky me… Every single day I’m deeply aware that our daughter is a gift & motherhood is an honor.

Lucky me… He was faithful to not only answer my prayers, but to answer them in a way that radically changed my life for the better.

Lucky me… The Lord chose me to be the mother of His precious Lakelyn Ann.

Lucky me... He taught my heart to cry out with joy & confidence, 

"I’m not cursed, I am blessed."

A Normal Day

 Wow! Is all that I can say about my blog so far. I never thought so many people would be interested in reading what I have to say! So, THANK YOU! I have loved reading all your comments on here and on my social media. Like I said before, I want to write about what you want to know! A lot of people asked about our schedule. Well.. its simple. Our schedule is crazy!
   Before CrossFit became our life we were a young married couple in college living in a two bedroom apartment. We were blessed with the opportunity to manage an apartment complex right in front of the university with 22 units, while both in college and full time jobs. Truth is, I managed the apartments!  I worked full time and was in school full time. Rich's schedule began to take off with CrossFit and contracts. Gone most weekends and was also in school and working intramurals until 11pm. It was a lot but I can not complain, we met amazing friends through the opportunity and I can fix almost anything. Yep, Me not Rich is the handy one :)
  We bought our first home in November 2011 after Rich won his first CrossFit Games. Buying a house was and is so stressful. Rich would love it and I hated it or I would love it and it was nothing he would look at it. The only house we agreed on was way out of our price range but it was a foreclosure and was going to auction. We had a price point and we didn't want to go over it and pretty much everyone laughed at us but we had nothing to lose! Worst case, we wouldn't get the only house we both agreed on haha! Reebok had Rich on a world tour and we were both in Mexico City the day of the auction. We sent Richs dad and our real estate agent while I was sitting in the corner at a CrossFit gym in Mexico waiting to hear if we were homeowners. I'll never forget the phone call, "We got it! Right at your price… kind of… I went $5,000 over (Rich's Dad) but we made it work. We can't believe it!" I yelled and stopped Rich's interview to tell him, both in shock, we were homeowners! We bought our house for almost 100k less than it appraised. I couldn't wait to get HOME!
   We moved in November trying to get all settled in and make it an actual home when Rich tells me about this guy who is coming to work at Tennessee Tech too and didn't have anywhere to stay. Of course I said he could stay here until he found an apartment or decided if he was even going to stay in Cookeville! About a week later I met Dan Bailey. Never met him before he moved in my new house with me and my husband of 5 months! We were married in June, Games in July, traveling the world until November, homeowners November and roommate in December. The simple fact is I love Dan, He is like the brother I never had. Double the laundry, double the food, double the guy movies and double the CrossFit.
   Dan has now moved out and James Hobart is our newest addition! People ask me all the time, "how do you do it?" I never really have an answer I suppose I'm just used to it. We have people here almost every weekend with the L1 at CrossFit Mayhem and have spent most of our marriage with a roommate. Weekends of a L1 we usually have a house full.  My house is kind of like….. a hotel :) Like I said, life is crazy but I am thankful for every person who has stayed with us for a weekend, a month or a year. Craziness is what makes life fun!
   Our daily schedule during the week is pretty routine. I worked for a dentist office then a pediactric office full time, but I am now a stay at home mommy! I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with Lakelyn.  Lakelyn usually gets up around 8, Rich usually plays with her while I get a little extra sleep since I have the nightshift with her.  Rich leaves around 9:30am to go to Mayhem or to swim or to the track and is gone until mid afternoon and then trains at home in his garage. We usually eat lunch together for about an hour. There are always at least 2 to 6 guys here working out everyday. For those who don't think he has a "job" I can assure you that you have no idea what your talking about. He is never actually at home spending time with me and Lakelyn until around 5:30 or 6:00pm. Yes, he is at home but training. Is it hard? Yes. I tell myself that this won't last forever and that it is his job. I love my husband and am so grateful for his determination and handwork. He doesn't win the CrossFit Games just because, he truly is the hardest working athlete! I am excited to see what him being on a team has to offer and what changes will be made.
   Family time is a must! We eat dinner at least once a week with our family. We're so blessed that both sides live close. Mondays we used to always watch the Bachelor, even Rich and James got into it. Tuesday nights Rich and his cousin Darren have a big group of guys that go to an old skating rink in Sparta and play hockey. Wednesday are Nashville night! My favorite show :) My sister Ali, Sister in law Kayla and both my mom, Patty and mother in law Janice all watch it. Little fun fact about me.. I can't cook. In fact, I can burn ice. SO.. usually everyone comes to our house and brings food, haha! I'm getting a little better.
  Oh, and on top of having a baby, house guests, roommates and the daily work out guys in and out of my house. We also have two dogs. Gilligan, who came first, a black lab who never leaves Rich's side. He is 3 and a half and the best dog ever. And then we have Gipper. He's a little over a year old golden doodle. Both in the house and let me just say this, between all the boys, 2 dogs and a baby. Life is crazy and I wouldn't change a thing!

He Had Better Plans

   Some reading this may know me, some may know my husband and some may have no clue who I am! I wanted to start a blog for multiple reasons. I didn't know what to write about first, I feel like why not start off with the honest truth about me and our journey. I had never been a blog reader until a friend told me about her friends going through adoption and had a blog. I found myself saving blogs to my phone and would randomly read at night and keep up with their process. I found comfort in reading total strangers blogs because they were honest and going through the same situations we were. I pray if someone has randomly come across this blog like I did so many, it comforts you too.
    Now, If you do know me, You know I am a planner. Almost an OCD planner. Which is why I think our adoption journey was so difficult. One of the biggest struggles was knowing I had absolutely zero control over the process. Fact is, we really aren't in control of our lives but we all pretend to be because its a lot less scary that way. Even As Christians we often live this; we plan, we scheme, control and of course pray and trust in God. Going through adoption you do lots..and lots of praying and trusting.
  Infertility hit me like a ton of bricks. I never dreamed "it would happen to me." I can't even control what most women take completely for granted. I don't have control of growing my family, which I assumed God would give me because I wanted a large family more than anything. At times during our journey having no control had left me feeling hurt, disappointed, crazy, angry. I've felt confused, entitled, jealous and bitter. Thankfully, God didn't and doesn't leave me confusing mess of pain and disappointment. I have grown closer to God than ever before our journey. I have been humbled and he taught me strength and faithfulness in him. I am walking hand in hand, then and now, through circumstances I do not understand and trusting he has a better plan and outcome than I ever could have planned myself.
   Some days were much harder than others. I felt very alone and that no one could understand not even Rich. I felt abondoned and my prayers would never be answered, instead everyone around me was getting pregnant and then there was me. In silence of our situation and not wanting to talk about it. God tells us its ok to be honest with what we feel and what I'm believing. Acknowledging what I am feeling helps me separate my crazy emotions from his truth. God knows I'm still learning, growing and sometimes I still am hurting. He gives me grace on grace on grace. With his grace he has blown me away, he has opened my eyes, he has wrapped his arms around me when I needed it the most. He has taught me to seek to him and trust in his timing. I learned there is hope learned through suffering.
  My prayer life has become stronger than ever. Going through adoption I would have so many days of only tears and whispered prayers asking God to keep my emotions in check, calm my heart and to help me praise him if the answer was no or not now. God does love me and he loves you. God is always with me and hears all our prayers. I have been shown to never give up and to trust in him always. He has better plans!

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Matthew 11:28

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."