Now, If you do know me, You know I am a planner. Almost an OCD planner. Which is why I think our adoption journey was so difficult. One of the biggest struggles was knowing I had absolutely zero control over the process. Fact is, we really aren't in control of our lives but we all pretend to be because its a lot less scary that way. Even As Christians we often live this; we plan, we scheme, control and of course pray and trust in God. Going through adoption you do lots..and lots of praying and trusting.
Infertility hit me like a ton of bricks. I never dreamed "it would happen to me." I can't even control what most women take completely for granted. I don't have control of growing my family, which I assumed God would give me because I wanted a large family more than anything. At times during our journey having no control had left me feeling hurt, disappointed, crazy, angry. I've felt confused, entitled, jealous and bitter. Thankfully, God didn't and doesn't leave me confusing mess of pain and disappointment. I have grown closer to God than ever before our journey. I have been humbled and he taught me strength and faithfulness in him. I am walking hand in hand, then and now, through circumstances I do not understand and trusting he has a better plan and outcome than I ever could have planned myself.
Some days were much harder than others. I felt very alone and that no one could understand not even Rich. I felt abondoned and my prayers would never be answered, instead everyone around me was getting pregnant and then there was me. In silence of our situation and not wanting to talk about it. God tells us its ok to be honest with what we feel and what I'm believing. Acknowledging what I am feeling helps me separate my crazy emotions from his truth. God knows I'm still learning, growing and sometimes I still am hurting. He gives me grace on grace on grace. With his grace he has blown me away, he has opened my eyes, he has wrapped his arms around me when I needed it the most. He has taught me to seek to him and trust in his timing. I learned there is hope learned through suffering.
My prayer life has become stronger than ever. Going through adoption I would have so many days of only tears and whispered prayers asking God to keep my emotions in check, calm my heart and to help me praise him if the answer was no or not now. God does love me and he loves you. God is always with me and hears all our prayers. I have been shown to never give up and to trust in him always. He has better plans!